I Wonder...

I wonder what it would be like to look at the coming days, weeks, months, and years… and not feel a chill of fear shoot up my spine. How can I have hope when marginalized people are continually being told we’re being dramatic while being targeted by our representatives to remove basic rights and protections?

I wonder what it would be like to achieve the success I yearn for, that I’ve always yearned for, that I’ve always felt was supposed to be. I was contacted by a member of The Academy to discuss how I could turn my science fiction series into a TV show, and if it happens… I can’t even begin to fathom how my life would change.

I wonder what it might be like to move away from my city, away from my state. Away from the country I was raised to believe was the greatest. Among the many lies I was told growing up, this one hurts to learn, because it means a fundamental deconstruction of everything I’ve ever learned.

I wonder how long I can keep earning paychecks insufficient for me to afford to live alone. I’m drowning in debt I was told I’d be able to pay off, after being told if I worked hard enough, I’d get scholarships. I did, but my parents made too much money and contributed nothing to my education expenses because they couldn’t afford it. I’m pursuing my passions I was told I’d never be able to make into a living, hoping I can because I’ll otherwise live a life left devoid of meaning.

I wonder if the changes needed across the world will ever occur. Why are the dystopian horrors we’ve been warned against seeming to serve as a guidebook for how some of our nations are making decisions?

I wonder if my friends, family, and loved ones will survive the coming times. I’ve worked hard to cultivate a beautiful community of support around me, and provide support to them in the ways I can. Will we be okay?

I wonder why our representatives and our supreme court are so focused on banning a social media app when they’re not stopping our food from killing us, our water from being poisoned, our medical care from being so unaffordable it’s easier to simply die. I know the answer, however, and I think you do, too.

I wonder where I’ll be at this time next week, next year… the next decade. I wonder if the planet will still be livable by the time I’m old. Or if I’ll be able to grow old in the first place.

I wonder if I’d die in a camp, or die fighting against the so-called peace officers gathering up people like me. Or, I wonder if I’ll ‘have severe pneumonia’ or ‘suffer a fatal heart attack’ because of my efforts to implement the necessary changes to protect vulnerable people.

I wonder what it would be like to have fewer questions like this.

And I wonder if, even as it does get better for me in some ways, if it will continue to get worse in others. Must life always be balanced in such a way? Must the the wonderful, the extraordinary, the good always come with the bad, the depressing, and the evil?

Most of all, I wonder if I’ll be okay. Really, truly okay.