So, I’ve been in grad school for about two weeks as I write this, and I can confirm that I absolutely know squat, especially about things I already knew - myself included.
Specifically, I feel like I am being rewritten at the molecular level by my Cultural Counseling professor.
I think I’m a fairly progressive person about a lot of issues. People who know me see my posts on Facebook. Sometimes I’m pretty radical. Like, ‘eat the rich’ radical. Like, ‘seize their money and distribute it to the people who actually did the work for them to get all that money in the first place’ radical.
And I thought I was educated about culture. Everybody has multiple cultures they come from. And it’s important to recognize those cultures as you meet those people. Like, if you meet a black person. They’ve experienced racism for sure. They’re a minority, absolutely.
That’s what I used to think. Until this professor began to open my eyes to the obvious fact that, in some countries, white people are the minority. So when a black person steps into my office, why should I automatically assume to treat them like a person who has been victimized by the United States social justice system? They could be considered a racial majority where they come from, and they would be looking at me thinking I’M the one who needs to be advocated for.
Furthermore, assuming all black people have the same experience is a sign of the privilege I have as a white man living in the United States. One black person’s experience will absolutely be different than another’s. And someone else’s besides that.
Because culture is not the color of our skin. I remember judging a former friend about how she said Idaho has a large variety of culture. I was like, “We’re basically all white, Republican, conservatives. That’s not a culture.”
But YES. IT ABSOLUTELY IS. A white conservative Republican has their own culture, their own set of beliefs and demands set upon them by the people who identify the same way.
It’s like how I use the word ‘queer’ to describe people who are not cisgender heterosexuals. Because there are so many variations within the community, simply saying LGBTQIA+ does not do it justice. It acknowledges some parts of the culture while just grouping ‘others’ in a plus sign.
Yet, within that community, one lesbian’s experience will be so vastly different from another’s that trying to force them into the same bubble would be harmful to them. Just like trying to say ‘all queer people…’ That’s not true, whatever the statement is going to be. Because I could even say ‘all queer people are queer,’ and people within that community - the same community I belong to - would disagree with me about the use of the word queer, or would refuse to be identified in such a way.
I thought I knew. I know I’m open to new and different cultures, but even then, I had no idea what culture truly meant. And, the truth is, I have biases. I need to work on being open to cultures I don’t approve of, like ‘gun-toting Republican’ culture, or ‘anti-vax’ culture. Yes, I do have to be open to them. How can I help them if I won’t even recognize where they’ve been?
Furthermore, I need to recognize that helping them doesn’t mean persuading them to my line of thinking. Sure, I think vaccines are a good idea. They stop people from getting so sick they die, or sick with something that used to be a major issue, until the vaccine for it came along. But saying to an anti-vax client that I don’t believe them or their experience means I have failed them as a counselor.
I need to be open. I thought I truly was. I have so much to learn. I am emotionally wrecked as I write this, on the verge of tears. I’m so grateful for Trent. He was there for me and listened to me as I sobbed through describing what class was like for me.
I am definitely feeling imposter syndrome coming on strong. I don’t belong here. I can’t do this. I don’t have the mental capacity to learn this. I don’t have the emotional maturity, the multicultural awareness, the basic skills I need to do this job, this life-altering career path. This incredibly important service.
YET. Yet, yet, yet.
I don’t have the skills yet. I can’t do this yet. All those fears I have about not being able to do this are because I struggle with self-confidence. I have a hard time believing in myself. I judge myself harshly, and others even harsher still. I say to myself, ‘Wow, they’re a bad writer.’ Then, I tell myself, ‘Well, you’re not published with a big publisher, so you’re not that great, either.’ See? How messed up is that? And I’m supposed to be helping people overcome that within themselves when I do it to myself?!
Yes. My counselor says when I do this kind of stuff and get down on myself like this, I am not alone. I’ve always viewed counselors as kind of superhuman. They know their emotional selves. They know how to deal with every situation. They are always correct.
And now I know that those initial judgments aren’t true. Counselors are… so many things. But human. Always human. (Unless mine is a lizard person, in which case I apologize for assuming. Your skinsuit is very convincing).
I will be a counselor. And I will still be human. Fallible. Struggling with my own issues and identities. Probably for the rest of my life. But that doesn’t mean I’ll be a bad counselor. If I refuse to acknowledge the very basics of where people come from, if I continue to see all white people the same way, all Republicans the same way, all black people, LDS people, queer people, the same way… I will be on autopilot. And that is unacceptable. My clients will deserve more from me. They will deserve everything I have to give.
And I can at least recognize that, however much I thought I had to give, there’s incredible untapped potential within me. What don’t I know yet? What will I be like as a counselor, once I come out of this process? Most of all, how much of myself am I willing to put into changing for the better?
All of myself. I have to give all of myself. Otherwise, what’s the point of everything I’ve invested, all the life changes I’ve made?
Otherwise, how can I ask my future clients to give me everything they’ve got, when I haven’t done the same?
I can do this. I have to do this.